Surprise, surprise. There’s one dominating voice when it comes to love in books, media, and relationships–men. Of course this is not entirely surprising given the patriarchal system most of us have been living and operating within for most if not all of our lives. In her book all about love, bell hooks writes about how the literature on love is saturated with male authors. hooks connects that fact with the observation that it reinforces not only the underlying expectations both sexes have when it comes to the subject of love, but also the way it affects what both sexes are willing to accept when it comes to love and loving relationships.
hooks initiates the book with a working definition of what love is–an act of will, not just the commonly understood definition of love as a noun used to name romantic attachments to people. When I came across that line in the book, it reminded me of an obscure moment in my life. I remember watching a film and hearing one of the characters, I believe a teenage boy, say to his girlfriend’s father: “Love is not a feeling, it’s an ability”. A quick Google search of that line told me the character’s name was Marty Barasco and the film was Dan in Real Life. I believe the reason that moment in the film stuck out to me was because it captured my irritation at the commercialization of love. When things get commercial they become cheap and disposable. This to me explains that long toted oft’ quoted statistic that half of all marriages fail. People who were once “in love” can walk away from a marriage either amicably or acrimoniously because of how they viewed love, as a feeling. I believe had those people recognized that love is not a feeling, but rather an ability, a willing act of choice, fewer people would split up. Divorces aren’t easy on anyone, and neither are breakups from relationships. The feelings people often confuse with love actually has a name. Cathect, defined as the investment of feelings/emotions with people, is it’s name. Cathexis is the process through which we invest said feelings/emotions. So the love I previously observed as a commercialized phenomenon is actually cathexis. We frequently like and invest time in many things that we later walk away from, but that’s cathect it isn’t love. While love is an act of will, hooks adds to the working definition later stating “love is the will to nurture our own and another’s spiritual growth.” In other words, if one cannot care for their own spirit they do not love themselves; if one cannot care for another person’s spirit then they cannot love someone.
So, why is love so hard to come by? Why does it seem like everyone’s looking for love, and only a select few find it? According to hooks, it all has to do with culture. Childhood should be our first exposure to love in its purest form, but not every child experiences it. In a sense as children we are conditioned towards particular definitions of love. As we grow up, society adds to our understanding of love. A patriarchal society where women are conditioned into believing their role is to give love while it’s men’s role to receive it. A patriarchal society where honesty and truth, two important components in any loving relationship, are unpopular characteristics that cause people to get penalized while deceit, deception, and duplicity often get rewarded–which in a way becomes an act of praise. A patriarchal society where power is coveted and heavily sought after, and we know how power has the ability to corrupt and distort love. Patriarchy isn’t the only fault our society has though, there’s also individualism. Individualism tends to create an isolationist mentality/culture, a me culture as hooks puts it. Whereas collectivist societies have a stronger sense of community and healthier views of love which are observable.
“Genuine love is the foundation of our engagement with ourselves, with family, with friends, with partners, with everyone we choose to love”. This statement made by hooks captures what I feel is wrong with our polarized nation today. Hedonism, instant gratification, the inability or unwillingness to demonstrate the virtue of patience all plays a part in the erosion of love in our society. The frightening question, and reality we will have to face if we don’t turn to love in our American culture, is: what will happen when we lose love completely? The answer may come to us shockingly closer than we expect.